You know our society is irrecoverably fucked up when people can tell others their jobs depend on being able to piss when the boss commands, similar to how a master treats his dog:

"Okay boy! Let's go for a walk! Yaaaaaaaah! Yaaaaaaah! Good boy! Good boy! Okay! Piss here, and here, and here... and you'd better not have THC in your urine or you're sleeping in the dog-house tonight..."

Beating drug tests is a political statement against a society that uses ill-conceived means to persecute cannabis users while opiate addicts run free.

Why do I say that? Cannabis binds to fat cells and stays in your system for a minimum of 48 days. You can drink all the cranberry juice you want (Actually, pineapple's better if you want a diuretic) and it still won't make you piss clean if you've smoked within the last 8 weeks. Meanwhile, opiates leave your system after roughly 4 days.

Want to know why there's a massive problem with crack and cocaine in oil mining communities such as Fort McMurray in northern Alberta? All oil companies drug test, and so riggers (IE, oil labourers) use opiates instead of something significantly safer like cannabis merely because cannabis sticks around while opiates don't. People who work in high-stress jobs often relax using very destructive means; that culture would actually be way safer if employers didn't drug test for THC because employees would have that option instead of harder drugs.

Don't believe me? I've worked in a head-shop for over a year now, and some weeks we sell more detox drinks than anything else. I hear this story echoed over and over again. Industry is being incredibly blind to what's going on beneath their very noses.

Okay, enough ranting. Need to beat a drug test? You have two options. Note that neither actually removes THC from you system; if you need to test again, you'll have to do it all over again.

The first is detox drinks. The current industry standard is Covert Labs' The Strip, which costs around $65 in Canada. Most are available from head-shops as vitamin supplement drinks.

How these work is by masking the THC in your urine stream by diluting your urine enough to make the THC content invisible (much as if would happen if you drank 2 gallons of water before a test) but while adding enough nutrients to the urine stream to make it appear as if the person who had the drink didn't just drink a massive amount of liquids beforehand. Often, tests will be revoked because they're too diluted. Detox drinks prevent this from happening, which is why they cost the big dollars.

The procedure is as follows:

1. Do NOT smoke or be around second-hand pot smoke for at least 48 hours before your test. This is CRUCIAL. If you don't have 48 hours to detox, you need to move to option 2, synthetic urine.
2. Try to schedule your exam for around lunch. Don't eat breakfast and don't drink coffee. Both of these will lessen the effect of the drink, the former because it will increase intake time and the latter because caffeine acts as a diuretic and will make you piss out most of the nutrients.
3. Drink the ENTIRE drink two hours before the test. Refrigeration has no effect on the process beyond make it tolerable, so you're advised to do that the night before so it's cold.
4. After drinking the entire drink, fill up its bottle with water and chug that. Put another way, drink the entire volume you just drank, instead in water.
5. Go to the washroom once or twice before the test to get the drink into your urine stream. Don't worry, you'll be pissing like a race-horse at this point.
6. Try to test at 2 hours. Different drinks have different testing windows—The Strip is about 6 hours, though realize it's most effective at the 1.5-2 hour mark.

That should do it. Of course, if you can't (or don't want to) detox for 2 days beforehand, your other option is synthetic urine. It's made in a lab, most don't go bad, and run around $35 a test. Personally, were I in an industry where drug testing was mandatory... I'd quit. But if that wasn't an option, I'd go straight to a product called The Number 1, which costs about $70 and has enough for two tests. Another good one is Quick Fix, which is one test, costs about $35 and can be nuked in the microwave if you're pressed for time. Procedure's as such:

1. Do NOT drink the urine, stoner!
2. Using the included heating pad, activate it an hour before your test and strap it to the bottle. Put this in your pants somewhere. The goal is to make the liquid body temperature so it doesn't look like it came from a bottle.
3. Most systems have a temperature gauge. 98-99 degrees Fahrenheit is your goal.
4. Once in the stall, open up the bottle and pour it into the cup. If you know they observe you doing this step, the product you want is The Whizzinator, which is a $250 contraption that includes a squirting dick. I shit you not...

Bit simpler, eh?

I've only heard of a handful of people who bought products actually fail tests, and all of them messed up the 48-hour detox thing. If you follow these guidelines, drug tests ain't no thang.

All that said, this is for informational purposes and I claim no responsibility if you use this information for illegal activities.

-jj.

       

Written by :

Janus Jones